Anyway, here are some notable moments in my crying journey that have allowed me to uncover the truth as to why crying is vilified by so many and why I have chosen to not accept this vilification for my own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. (It’s not as malicious as you would think).

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We don’t have time for sadness

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The first time I remember being questioned about crying was when I was 11 years old. My parent’s divorce was a very confusing time for me because I remember being upset, but I wasn’t exactly devastated. I knew my parents loved me and at the same time I think I was too young to truly understand what was happening. At moments I did cry, my family would comfort me as best as they could.

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However, as the separation commenced and the inevitable bitterness and anger settled in, I started to hear things about my parents that would unsettle and confuse me, and I would cry because I was unsure whether they were true or not. Divorces are not fun and the legal battles can get petty and nasty. For Punjabi’s, it becomes the whole family’s business. During this time when I’d cry, rather than comforting me my family would respond by saying ‘grow up’, ‘grow a backbone’, ‘we can’t be weak now’ or ‘you need thicker skin’.

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Although hearing that at the time was hurtful, looking back it was pretty clear that my family was in survival mode. It wasn’t just my happy family bubble that had burst – my parent’s divorce was upsetting for everyone in the family. So seeing me vulnerable like that probably softened them at a time where they needed to be focused and emotionally-detached. We are naturally empathetic creatures, influenced by the emotions of others. You’d be surprised by how many times the reason why people want you to stop crying is because they want to avoid being upset too. Another thing to note is, growing up with Punjabi immigrant parents who came to the UK in the 60s, my parents, aunties and uncles were merely projecting what they were told growing up at a time where survival was more important than emotion, adding to the mental health taboo that exists in the South Asian community in Britain.

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Angry crying

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Regardless of how I felt, in good faith for my family I internalised the idea of crying being seen as weakness and unhelpful. I held in all my pain, hurt and frustration and presented myself as calm, unbothered and, in a screwed up way angry, as that was more welcomed than being sad.

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For a short while this worked, but as it became too much to bear it inevitably led me to experiencing many anxiety and panic attacks as a teen. The build-up of emotions caused ridiculous amounts of anxiety that would then cause me to explode randomly, and I would cry hysterically and say all sorts of stuff I didn’t mean or just spat frustrated gibberish. I’d get so hysterical with emotion that I’d start to hyperventilate and feel like I was suffocating, having a fit that would last for up to twenty minutes. Not only was this horrible and traumatic for me but also for those around me, and once I’d calm down I’d be full of shame and embarrassment for losing control like that. I was unrecognisable, and what was once an outlet that I could control was now something I was now afraid of.

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Looking back, I was emotionalising based off of my family’s expectations, so of course I felt unnatural and out of control. I wasn’t being me. This cycle of denial, internalised shame, berating, and resentment made me despise who I was. Had I accepted who I was back then, I would not have gone through what I did. But that’s the beauty of hindsight. I’ve learnt how important it is for my own emotional and physical well-being to be myself.

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Your crying is making me feel uncomfortable

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It gets a little bit tricky here. For a while I had been struggling to gain control of my emotional outbursts, but there were pockets of calmness and peace where I could confront something without getting upset. I am generally a very reasonable and fair person (I bet most Crybabies are despite the stereotype held against them). I know that when I am calm, I am very careful with the words I use, understanding what weight, meaning and value they could add to a conversation or to those involved.

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However, there were times when hard conversations had to be had that would quickly turn into heated arguments. When this would happen, I’d try my very best to remain calm, but sometimes I’d feel so overwhelmed by the heightened emotion that I would tear up or a lump in my throat would choke me up. As soon as this would happen I found that people wouldn’t hear my words anymore, they’d only hear my sobs and see my tears. And what was so frustrating about this was any logic or rationality presented by me and my argument would be swept aside. Either they’d just accept what I had to say, not know what to do and feel awkward, console me and divert the focus away from the point of the disagreement, or get angry at me because I’m upset.

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Looking back, I found that a lot of the responses I received reflected more on how the other person perceives crying. People really are uncomfortable with crying. But instead of trying to figure out why that is the case, the most important thing I tell myself is their reaction is not my responsibility. When these moments happen, what I try to do is to be as communicative as I can. I’ll let them know that I’m not upset, I’m just overwhelmed. I’ll ask them to please hear me out. Social conditioning runs deep, but it is your responsibility to protect yourself.

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Lastly, the Weaponisation of Crying

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Let’s keep this short and sweet. The worst of all the responses were accusations of ‘crocodile tears’ or being told ‘you’re crying because you know you’ve lost the argument’. I’ve been told I am uncontrollable, psychotic, an emotional wreck, weak. I felt it then and I say it now - this is absolutely unacceptable. Whether the person is uncomfortable with crying themselves, they should not make you feel uncomfortable too. Funnily enough, the people who have said this to me throughout the years have either continued to remain oblivious to their own problems, or have apologised to me for not knowing any better back then.

Wix